11.28.02 » I HAVE TO SAVE THESE WORDS SOMEWHERE FOR FUTURE REFERENCE WHEN PEOPLE START TELLING ME I SUCK.
Y'know, enough good people read your diary that i'm convinced it has salutary effects. I think it's because unlike the "wallowing" I deplore, you seem genuinely pissed off, and it seems to motviate you to carry on...to "Triumph" over the horseshit. i think it's good for you to keep fighting out loud like this.
love <3<3

11.27.02 » quizilla (that quiz-making place) must officially be the slowest working page EVER.

11.27.02 » who is searching my diary for ryan and kate levitre? BIGGIE?

11.26.02 » i'm really getting to the "FUCK EVERYBODY" point. honestly, i am feeling a little hurt right now that i just got like 20 negative messages left for me in a day. it feels like everybody is attacking me, and i'd feel these were justified if they came from people who maybe knew me in real life or at least took the time to learn about me before opening their mouths.
someone says i am in love with or obsessed with my own image because there are so many pictures. oh well then maybe i should just take them all down for you? funny how all the other sections of my site are pretty excessive- look how many random facts there are, they go on and on - but as soon as i have too many PHOTOS, well i must be obsessed with my face. you know, i must put those photos there so that I can sit here and look at them! plus, if you bothered to READ the random facts, you'd see that it says in there that i LOVE TO HAVE MY PICTURE TAKEN, AND USUALLY HATE TO SEE IT AFTERWARDS. so i'll sit here and take as motherfucking many pictures of myself as i feel like. at least i'm not a fucking webcam whore showing my ass and boobies to the whole internet and saying oooh i'm so pretty, i should be a model - cause i've seen it done many times.
And then somebody else signed and tells me to "get over myself". yes. curious, i started at my newest entry and read backwards for a while, trying to find the entry that talked about how great i am or even gave off some kind of air that i'm self-obsessive and think i'm better than anybody else. couldn't find it. though i did talk about my happiness for getting the gift of an organ, wanting to perform, the tori concerts, how much i love eryk, and the joan jett letter. if that means i need to "get over myself" then so fucking be it. and maybe somebody needs to be reminded that this is a fucking DIARY, i.e. DO please let me know if there's SOMEONE ELSE i should be talking about more than myself??? we are all self-obsessed to an extent or else we would rot away from neglect.
i truly think there are people out there who get a computer and are so bored that they surf around sites and get a secret little thrill of bashing others they don't even know. they are only on the internet and it's much easier to type something and click send then forget about it, than to say it directly to somebody's face, so they don't even think twice about hurting someone's feelings and then going on their merry little way. and that makes me sick to my stomach, because i am a real human being on the other end here, and yes i am sensitive. it is still beyond me why anyone would waste their time leaving something negative. all it tells me is that whatever i said or did obviously had some effect on you, because otherwise you'd just be bored by my self-obsessed whiny ass and you'd just click the X or surf on to another site. but obviously i've said or done something that made you feel something, even if it was negative, and you know what that means- it means i've done exactly what i wanted to and i won.
and from here on in, i think i'll just never listen to anything unless it comes from somebody who has read my entire diary. there were times in the past 2 years that i had "breakthroughs" and horrible things and this and that.. and i write about them. then i try to put them in the past so i don't have to keep talking about it. i.e. my uncle, my father's affair. but it's not as if these things are not still going to hurt the fuck out of me. then these bratty little teenagers come along and read my latest 2 entries and they see that i'm all "Depressed" and suddenly they feel they are the fucking messiah to tell me to "Get over it". As if they would have any clue what's ever happened to me in my life or how it's affected me. don't you dare try to make MY experiences mean any less to me than they do. To tell me to get over 5 years of abuse and all the other bullshit that's happened in my life is like telling a rape victim she asked for it. Excuse me if i somehow "annoyed" you because i'm trying to NOT BE A VICTIM ANYMORE. obviously there's a lot of people out there who would rather i shut my little mouth and talk about.. what? what the hell would you rather i be saying? "today my boss made me restock the shelves and i was not in the mood to, so i had a bad day"?? fuck you.
like tony said, i'm FIGHTING OUT LOUD. and i will keep being vocal. the only difference is that here you have the obvious choice to NOT HEAR ME, I.E. LEAVE THE WEBPAGE.

11.22.02 » new layout on livejournal and fuck-that. i think i will temporarily fiona-apple-ize everything and it will make me happy.

11.21.02 » i am officially diaryland's biggest fan. i want to give andrew all of my money and buy lots of paid accounts and make everyone else in the universe use it. if diaryland had a mascot, besides those cute little animals, it would have to be ME. i can't even tell you how much this place excites me. it's more home than my home.

11.21.02 » new layout in the works. oh wow, isn't that something new!

11.16.02 » WHY DID MY JOURNAL GET A HIT FOR THIS SEARCH

11.14.02 » one last thing.. i noticed a lot of different people have been thinking that the picture in my layout (the one with AGITATED written down the side) is of me... it's not, it's Tori Amos.

11.14.02 » my favorite compliment yet received on this site: "You have a particularly endearing style of misanthropy."

11.13.02 » (on the subject of marilyn manson) my dad: he needs to get a makeover; me: NO HE NEEDS TO MOVE INTO OUR HOUSE IS WHAT HE NEEDS; my dad: :::silence:::

11.13.02 » by the way, i am getting better at signing guestbooks! well.. at least at replying to some of my signings and commenting when i see something i really like etc... The key word here was better, cause i'm still not too good. and don't even let me get started on how i'm still letting my emails pile up for a month before i decide to reply...

11.13.02 » p.s. my stats keep getting higher, and although this is good it is also very scary. 155 different servers a day.. over 450 hits per day. bah. as long as the lauren-bashing doesn't start up then it's cool.

11.13.02 » i added my collages (well.. like 4 of them) to the VISUALS page.

11.12.02 » funny.. i've noticed so many of my hits so far have come from people doing searches on boycut underwear. it seems to be the phrase i get the most google hits for. interesting.

11.12.02 » lauren wants

11.12.02 » I MADE A NEW LAYOUT FOR KERRI, FEATURING A PICTURE OF MYSELF (she asked for it, i swear i am not just vain).

11.10.02 » fucking hot

11.10.02 » i added my LIFELINE beneath the ___GIRL section. it's just the most important life events (to me at least) in a semi-chronological order.

11.09.02 » omfg at the Brave Little Toaster being on tv when i haven't seen it in like a decade but it used to be my favorite thing ever. LAMPY <3

11.09.02 » LAYOUT ARCHIVE IS UP.

11.09.02 » I ADDED A FACT LIST UNDERNEATH THE ___GIRL SECTION. IT'S KIND OF LONG, BUT IT WILL CONTINUE TO GROW I'M QUITE SURE.

11.08.02 » i can't believe my stats

11.07.02 » and now everything under the ___GIRL drop-down section is finished!

11.06.02 » everything under the "___AGITATED" drop down menu section is finished!

11.06.02 » oh my fucking god at my stats telling me the average amt of visitors per day to my diary is 250.

11.05.02 » the new layout is up, but i have excessive amounts of things to fill in.. pictures, layouts, info, etc. everything needs updating. so check back tomorrow evening and it should be near finished. i guess this layout is in honor of the new tori cd, even though the picture isn't new, since it's already one of my favorites. i'm psyched because i just put up my banner about 24 hours ago and my click percentage is already over 3%! (for those without a paid DL account, andrew says that 2% is average, anything over 3 is good, and 4 or 5 is exceptionally amazing). i made a sylvia plath diaryring, you should join it if you are a fan, and i also made a lovely getting-to-know-you survey which you should go take. thank you times 8000 trillion to every person that's taken it already. tomorrow i have lots of messages to leave for lots of people :)

11.05.02 » new layout coming later today because i have a lot of new things to add. like google hits of someone searching for "tupac fanlistings" and my name coming up.

11.04.02 » i'm pretty sure i should get some kind of award for being diaryland's biggest fan. cause you know - in an updated version of the if i was deserted on a desert island and could only have one thing.. cliche - that if i was deserted by the internet and could only have 1 website, IT WOULD BE DIARYLAND! p.s. i got a paid account today for the next year. i am lucky.